Tuesday, May 17, 2011

And...the end has come

My original pumping goal was one year. I toyed with the idea of trying to go longer, but the thought of that usually didn't last too long because I DESPISE pumping. I mean really, really despise it. At first I didn't mind it because it was so much better than what we were doing before, but after a few months I slowly starting hating it more and more each day, till about a month ago I honestly could not stand it anymore. Neither could Kaylee. She knew what it meant when I got hooked up to the pump and would start crying and trying to climb on me every time. Part of it, I'm sure, was she could sense how much I disliked it, but I also know it was hard for her because the more mobile she gets, the more she wants to play. It's hard to find enough time for my baby when I have to spend 2+ hours pumping every day, plus cooking and cleaning, and taking care of Kaylee in general. That leaves...well, no time at all for me, which didn't help either.

It got more and more stressful because my milk supply was slowly but surely dropping - even with 7 pumps a day, and often one in the middle of the night, I could barely keep up with Kaylee's eating. I'm sure my family noticed at Christmas time (and my husband's family the past few months) how cranky I was. Now, my family might not think that's anything new (I've always been the cranky one), but pumping made me a MEAN person, and I just kept getting meaner!! I was starting to be really shocked with myself. I didn't want to be so horrible and mean, but I felt like I couldn't control it. Mainly taking it out on Will, which of course is not fair at all. He is amazing for putting up with it.

So, I am quitting. 9 1/2 moths - it KILLS me that I couldn't make it to my goal. I remember crying when I started pumping, and now here I am crying that I'm not anymore. But I know for a fact that this is the best thing I can do for my family at this time. Just like I knew that pumping was the best thing I could do for Kaylee, now NOT pumping is the best thing I can do. I need to get my life back, and be able to be the mom that I want to be. Breast milk is irreplaceable, but so is this time with my baby, and I need to focus on that instead of pumping. I want to thank everyone who has supported me in this and especially thanks to Will, because he had to deal with everything first hand, and he was amazing. I pray that the next baby will nurse like a pro, and I will never, ever have to deal with anything like this again!

5 comments:

Janet in MN said...

You did such an AWESOME job with that baby!!!! Pumping for as long as you did and giving Kaylee the very best you could for so long was fabulous. I couldn't be more proud of you!!! And you know when you have reached your limit - I'm sure Kaylee will be just fine!! And happy to not have to share your time with that mean old pump. Silly baby.

Brad said...

Yay for you! Nursing can be such a challenging thing. It really does depend on the baby. It's so important that you are taking care of yourself and making sure you are in the right mind set. That's how it was with Landon. I finally gave up because how I was doing wasn't good for him. Looking back I think I should've called it quits sooner, but for some reason it is SO hard to stop and not feel like a bad mom. Ignore that. You are doing what's best for your family and that is what really matters. Congrats on your new found freedom too! You'll need it with Kaylee getting around more and more. :)

Brad, Tiffany, and Boys said...

Ug! I hate it when that happens! That clearly wasn't Brad. That was Tiffany. Obviously, I would never have let Brad nurse our baby, although there were times when I wished he could. :)

Judy said...

I think you made the right decision. It's so important that you are happy and I'm sure Kaylee will do great! I don't know that I would have had the patience to pump for as long as you did. It sounds like you're a great mom to Kaylee.

Becky said...

Thanks everyone! I really, really appreciate all the support. Tiffany, I saw the name "Brad" and instantly knew it was you - no worries. ;)